~ The Succulent Scribe ~

Esmie and the Murder: Six Years Later

2011-08-02T17:06:00.001-06:00

Murder charge doesn’t fit the friend they know

‘She didn’t really have an angry side’

http://blogs.kansascity.com/crime_scene/2005/09/murder_charge_d.html

A long time ago, back in 2005, a young friend of mine on LiveJournal stabbed her mother to death.

The unlikely murderer was a 16-year-old girl named Esmie Tseng. Esmie was born the same year as my son, Jon. Like many others, I never saw it coming. When it happened, I didn't want to believe it. Esmie—the one who was on LiveJournal—killed her own mother?!

As an outsider, I've been haunted by many thoughts since that time in 2005 when I heard the news. A week or so ago, I recounted the story to my husband, Paul. It's remained on my mind ever since.

The story of the honor student killing her mother made the news not only in Esmie's home state of Missouri, but across the U.S. and even overseas.

The Esmie I knew and became online friends with wrote many engaging journal entries about her thoughts, her life. She had the normal teenage angst and frustration with her family, particularly her mother. She wrote of the crushing expectations her Chinese parents had of her, and how she didn't feel like she fit in with her Asian culture. She believed she was a different person inside than who she was expected to be in everyday life — a perfect performer at everything.

It was clear, through her journal entries, that she was highly intelligent, an overachiever (and ordered to be, I might add) and creative. She wrote with a voice that was far beyond her years. Never in a million years, through her entries and our exchanges through journal comments, would I have ever believed this girl could kill her mother. As I said, I never saw it coming.

Now, six years later, I still think of Esmie and wonder what the hell happened. Mostly I think back with sadness, confusion and shock. I can't seem to resolve the stark dichotomy of the Esmie I knew and communicated with, versus the Esmie who knifed her mother to death. Those two people don't match up as one cohesive individual. At all.

What went wrong? How could this have been prevented? At what point did Esmie decide there was no other choice but to commit matricide? What was it like for her poor, terrified mother in those final moments before she died? What horrible thoughts/sights/sounds rang through her mind/soul in the violent outburst right before her death? I'm sure "How could my daughter do this?!" was one of those screaming thoughts.

Indeed, how could her daughter do it? Conflict over piano, grades and personal achievement leads to a lot of pressure, but it takes one helluva giant leap to get to a place where a person is compelled to commit murder and ruin the rest of her life. Just what went on in Esmie's mind, before, during and after? The thought both chills and vexes me.

What about Esmie's father, who, in day's span of time, lost his wife to an act of heinous madness at the hand of his own daughter? The circumstances are shocking. The realization of it all, unbelievable. Talk about the worst nightmare come to life. Even imagining what it would be like makes my stomach unsettled and nervous. That poor man. How is he coping with life now? How has he coped with this real-life horror story over the past six years? It's enough to make your heart ache for a thousand years or more.

You can never truly know someone...can you? That's the question that I'm left with after all of this. That's the question that still lingers for me six years after this crime. That realization — that you can never truly know someone — is a bothersome echo that will remain in my psyche. I suppose this makes me cautious and suspicious of most people, friend or not.

I used to work with a guy who ended up in prison as a convicted pedophile. I had no clue it was in his nature. I used to converse with Esmie on LJ, and she ended up in prison for taking her mother's life. Again, I had no clue she was capable of such an act. This leads me to believe that anyone, at any time, is capable of anything. That notion scares the shit out of me, quite frankly.

I want to believe people are better than they usually are, and I'm always sad/confused/angry when it's proven they aren't. You can't trust anyone, can you? If you can, then how do you know whom to trust? There are adept liars and manipulators out there. Psychopaths. Sociopaths. All quite crafty and believable. So...how do you know?

There's a reason why it took nine months before I agreed to meet Paul in a public place for a cup of coffee. Even after I met him, I didn't trust that he was presenting himself as he truly was (a nice guy). Almost six years later, he's still that nice guy. I thought those males were long gone, but I guess I was lucky enough to get a specimen of a dying breed: The Truly Nice Guy.

The tragedy is that I don't want to be suspicious, fearful or distrusting of most people in the world. But, in the end, how can I not be? Everyone wears masks, and the mask changes depending on the company they keep, the situation they're in, the personal motives that lurk beneath their outer shell. At least that's how it seems to me.

In the end, I often feel that I can only trust myself, and perhaps a handful of others (at most). The only man I fully trust is my husband. There's a whole history behind that last statement, and for good reason. But I won't go into it here, at least not now.

Esmie, I wish I could rewind time. I wish you hadn't killed your mother. I wish you'd chosen a different path. I wish you'd seen that it was going to be okay, and you would make it through that period of your life. I wish I'd known the depths of what was going on, and that perhaps I could've talked to you -- maybe made a difference in some way or said something that would've struck a chord with you. But now look at things. Your poor mom, your poor dad, your poor friends, your poor family members. Last of all, poor you.

Such a tragedy all around. One that will forever remain in my mind. Questions will linger, unanswered.

People's spirits often haunt places, but events also haunt living souls. This one haunts mine.

EM's Word of the Week for 4.20.11 -- insensate

2011-04-20T17:45:00.001-06:00

Word of the Week for 4.20.11: insensate

Define the word, then use it in your writing, whether in a sentence, paragraph or short story. Enjoy!

Word of the Week for 4.13.11: Larrikin

2011-04-14T02:39:00.002-06:00

Word of the Week for 4.13.11: Larrikin.

Define the word, then use it in your writing, whether in a sentence, paragraph or short story. Enjoy!

Elemental Muse's Word of the Week for 4.4.11 -- pleonasm

2011-04-05T04:09:00.000-06:00

Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to find out what that word means, employ the word in a sentence (or paragraph) and use it to jump-start a freewriting session. Build a short story from it, build an article from it, build *something written* from it. The main thing is to USE that word to think about what the word means, how it feels to you as a writer, how you could use that word in a piece of writing (could be a sentence, could be a longer piece) and go from there.

This week's word is pleonasm

Have a good week, everyone! :)

New ebook formats for Secrets of the Professional Freelancer & Shadows of the Soul

2011-03-25T10:37:00.001-06:00

Hi everyone,

I'm working on converting the rest of my books to various ebook formats. Secrets of the Professional Freelancer and Shadows of the Soul are both now available. Use the coupon below to get 10 percent off Secrets till May 1st!:

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/49033

Get Secrets of the Professional Freelancer, the book I wrote based on my long-running online course, for $2.69, or 10% off the regular price, until May 1st. Use this coupon code when placing your order: AX72R. Enter the code prior to checkout. If you've wanted to become a freelance writer, but weren't sure how to begin, my book can help you achieve your goal.

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/48849

Shadows of the Soul is a collection of poems that explores the ebb and flow of human life with all its joys, sorrows, surprises and triumphs. Written during a dark and transformative period of Bev Walton-Porter's life, just prior to and after the death of her first husband, this collection addresses the raw and exposed core of existence that pulses beneath the surface of every human being.

Last Word of the Week for 3.4.11: suffumigation

2011-03-15T20:49:00.001-06:00

Last Word of the Week for 3.4.11: suffumigation

Definition:

–noun
1. The act of fumigating, literally from below; fumigation.
2. The act of burning perfumes: one of the ceremonies in incantation.
3. A fume; especially, a preparation used in fumigating.

Source: Wordnik.com

Smashwords profile -- are you over there, too?

2011-03-15T20:48:00.000-06:00

https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/bevwaltonporter

Set up an author profile on Smashwords and my books will be added soon (once I have time in the midst of my other weekly editing duties). If you have a profile over there, feel free to share it with me! :)

Elemental Muse's Word of the Week for 3.4.11 -- suffumigation

2011-03-08T01:40:00.000-07:00

Each week, I'll choose a Word of the Week. I'll post the word on my blogs and on Facebook. Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to find out what that word means, employ the word in a sentence (or paragraph) and use it to jump-start a freewriting session. Build a short story from it, build an article from it, build *something written* from it. The main thing is to USE that word to think about what the word means, how it feels to you as a writer, how you could use that word in a piece of writing (could be a sentence, could be a longer piece) and go from there.

This week's word is suffumigation

Have a good week, everyone! :)

Last Word of the Week for 2.25.11: tachyphrasia

2011-03-08T01:34:00.002-07:00

Word of the Week for 2.25.11: tachyphrasia

Definition:

–noun
1. Very rapid and voluble speech.

Source: WordNet

Elemental Muse's Word of the Week for 2.25.11 -- tachyphrasia

2011-02-25T02:47:00.000-07:00

Elemental Muse's Word of the Week for 2.17.11 -- fulgurites

2011-02-17T04:46:00.002-07:00

Last Word of the Week for 02.10.11 -- Quadrumane

2011-02-17T04:40:00.001-07:00

Definition:

quadrumane: An animal having four hands and feet with opposable digits, specifically a member of the now obsolete order of mammals Quadrumana, comprising all non-human primates; a primate.

Source: http://www.wordnik.com/words/quadrumane

Was this a new one to you?

Upcoming events!

2011-02-03T17:52:00.001-07:00

I've been asked to participate in the 2011 Mountain of Authors event on Saturday, April 2 at the East Branch of the Pikes Peak Library District.

In addition, on April 29th, I'll be presenting two back-to-back workshops on writing and the paranormal for the 2011 Pikes Peak Writers Conference as part of their Alternate Realities Program.

Hope to see some of you locals there! ;-)

Elemental Muse's Word of the Week: quadrumane

2011-02-03T17:51:00.000-07:00

Last week's word: knissomancy

2011-02-03T17:50:00.000-07:00

Definition of last week's word:

knissomancy: Divination using burning incense

Source: phrontistery.info

Hope you had fun with it! ;) I burn incense all the time, so this one was of special interest to me.

Link to guest appearance on Castle Rock Radio 1.26.11

2011-01-27T19:13:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I was a guest on Empowerment Through Healing through Castle Rock Radio, which is broadcast out of Castle Rock, Colorado. It's an hour-long show and host Tami Urbanek interviewed me about the paranormal and paranormal investigation in general. Hope you can give a listen!

http://castlerockradio.com/media_player.asp?messageID=82936

Elemental Muse's Word of the Week: knissomancy

2011-01-23T23:58:00.002-07:00

To recap: each week, I'll choose a Word of the Week. I'll post the word on my blogs and on Facebook. Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to find out what that word means, employ the word in a sentence (or paragraph) and use it to jump-start a freewriting session. Build a short story from it, build an article from it, build *something written* from it. The main thing is to USE that word to think about what the word means, how it feels to you as a writer, how you could use that word in a piece of writing (could be a sentence, could be a longer piece) and go from there.

Have a good week, everyone! :)

Last week's word: zelotic

2011-01-23T23:56:00.000-07:00

Last week's word: zelotic

Definition of last week's word:

Zelotic: of the nature of a zealot

Source: http://phrontistery.info/index.html

Hope you had fun with it!

Event alert: workshop presenter at 2011 Pikes Peak Writers Conference

2011-01-18T23:33:00.001-07:00

Soo excited! Pikes Peak Writers contacted me today and asked if I would be a presenter at the 2011 Pikes Peak Writers Conference. My workshop will be on paranormal investigation and will be part of their Alternate Realities Program on Friday, April 29. Yes, I accepted! *squee!*

It's awesome to be an author AND a paranormal investigator!

Elemental Muse's Word of the Week: zelotic

2011-01-17T14:48:00.003-07:00

Welcome to 2011! It's a brand new writing year, and a brand new year for doing all sorts of creative things. This year, one thing I'm doing that's new is Elemental Muse's Word of the Week. It's designed to expand vocabulary and jump-start creativity. How? Here's the idea:

Each week, I'll choose a Word of the Week. I'll post the word on my blogs and on Facebook. Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to find out what that word means (some of them you'll already know), use that word in a sentence (or a paragraph) and use it to jump-start a freewriting session. Build a short story from it, build an article from it, build *something written* from it. The main thing is to USE that word to think about that the word means, how it feels to you as a writer, how you could use that word in a piece of writing (could be a sentence, could be a longer piece) and go from there.

Now that you've got the idea, here's your FIRST word of the week:

Zelotic

Got it? Great! Now find out what it means (if you don't already know), then use it in a sentence. After that, see where you can go with it! What kind of story can you build around it? Give it a shot!

Have a good week, everyone! :)

Fessing up--the road to health, fitness, and more energy! We're ON it! :)

2010-09-17T07:07:00.004-06:00

by Bev Sninchak

So I wasn't going to bring this up because I HATE pressure from people when you share such things, but Paul and I began a new lifestyle program and it's working well, so I'd better fess up. Been trying to keep it a secret and on the down-low, but it's kind of hard considering all the positive changes we're feeling! XD

First of all, I want to say upfront that we appreciate any support and encouragement, but please realize we did this to FEEL better and have more energy, first and foremost. We are doing it for ourselves and nobody else. The side result is that we are dropping weight and getting fitter, but this is NOT a temporary, quick fix-it thing. This is an ongoing lifestyle change for the sole purpose of getting fitter, eating better and having MORE energy so we can accomplish the goals we have. All else is the proverbial cherry on top.

Again, the focus is NOT solely on weight. We appreciate your enthusiasm and encouragement, but our focus is much broader than that. It is on our overall health and energy level. We do a LOT of stuff in our lives, and we need a higher energy level to keep up with everything we're involved in. I've had friends who said things in the past and thought they were being supportive, but they came across as condescending...and this is why I've kept my mouth shut till today. Judgment and condescension is not something Paul or I want to hear or will accept. Sometimes people mean well, but the way they say things may come out as a veiled slap in the face. Believe me, I've had a lifetime of such back-handed 'compliments.' More on that at a later time.

Also, let me point out that everyone is on a diet. A diet describes what you're eating. So everyone is on a diet of some sort, whether they know it or not. Obviously some ways of eating -- or diets -- are better and preferable to others. We used to eat one way, and now that's been altered and changed to include more whole grains, fruit, veggies, lean meat, less sugar, etc. What are we doing? What's the lifestyle change?

Drumroll:

I joined Weight Watchers in mid-July and Paul joined in August. We are following the POINTS system and follow the credo of Move, Track and Stay on Point. Since we began this lifestyle change, we've both lost an average of 1 to 2 lbs per week -- which is GREAT, of course -- but the BIG improvement is in HOW WE FEEL. I can't begin to describe how different I feel when I get up every day. I've come to realize that refined white sugar has been horrible for my mood and horrible for making my body feel out of whack -- and I discovered this after changing how and what we eat.

If you've followed the WW POINTS system, you'll know that NOTHING is off limits. In fact, one week when I lost 2.2 lbs, I had pizza AND a cupcake that same week - and still lost over 2 lbs. How? Well, it's the POINTS system. Everything you eat adds up to so many points. You get a certain amount of POINTS per day, based on your fitness and weight levels, and those POINTS go down as your body changes. You are encouraged to eat ALL your points daily -- as crazy as it is, you MUST eat to lose weight and get fit. If you don't, your metabolism slows down, your body goes into starvation mode and you burn less calories. SO, you eat. But you have to make decisions about how many POINTS you're willing to spend if you're going to stay within your daily POINTS total.

You do get weekly POINTS on top of your daily and you DO get activity POINTS as well -- so if you go for a walk, work out, do yoga, play Wii fit or do some type of activity, you get those POINTS to use that week as well. That means if you wanna splurge on something come the weekend, you CAN because you've gotten in your activity AND you've been smart enough to dole out your POINTS wisely. So you can have that slice of pizza -- but you may want to top it with veggies instead of a bunch of meats to save those extra POINTS instead of spending a bunch all at once. ;)

Because I'm a FIEND for tracking stuff, Paul says the program is great for me. I love charts, graphs, and tracking things. So tracking what I eat and my activity POINTS daily is something I really get into. If you BITE it, you WRITE it, essentially. You gotta log EVERYTHING you eat and you gotta log any activity you have as well to see where you're at for the day and week. Let me tell you, it was FUN trying to figure out how many activity POINTS you get for sex :D Yet another reason to have MORE! Hee hee!

I can't go into it more than that, because to get the specifics you'll need to join the program, but suffice it to say it's working, we are feeling better and we have more energy, which was the whole idea in the first place! Now, instead of grabbing a regular soda (which, I'll admit, I was a soda addict), I'll grab a water w/ Crystal Light.

For a snack, I'll have fruit or yogurt. Breakfast, which I rarely used to eat (BIG no-no!) is now Grape-nuts with berries or a banana or a whole wheat bagel and fat-free cream cheese. Or, if I'm really hungry, a double-fiber Orowheat English muffin stuffed with a scrambled egg and topped with fat-free cheese. If you get Morningstar sausage patties, you can throw one in there and have your own homestyle egg sandwich to rival the fast food (fat-laden) ones!

If I want a treat, I'll grab a Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich (they are HEAVENLY!) for only 2g of fat. And the movies? No problem! I get a Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich, diet soda and a small popcorn with no butter and I'm FULL and happy! This is compared to the not-so-healthy alternative I used to have (trust me on this!)

You won't find white bread in our house at all anymore. You'll find the highest fiber bread we can get, plus a boatload of fat-free, protein-rich Greek yogurt (Chobani is our first choice), a bunch of various fruit, cases of bottled water, Crystal Light, ground turkey, low-fat lunch meals like Lean Cuisine or Eating Right, fat-free milk (well, we always drank fat-free milk), lots of high fiber cereal and veggies for homemade, low-cal soups for the crockpot, etc. Our kitchen stop looks SO much different than it did mere months ago!

What about eating out? Well, make common-sense choices. But some things you think are better to eat, aren't! Fast food salads are often just as bad as if you'd ordered that burger, believe it or not! We like to go to Golden Corral or Country Kitchen buffet, that way we can pile on the foods we know are the better choices, like the veggie/fruit bar along with a lean piece of steak or chicken. Taco Bell has some yummy stuff on their Fresco menu as an alternative to the regular menu. Bottom line is that you CAN eat better no matter where you're at. It's all in the choices you make, and you don't have to eat like a rabbit and have nothing but lettuce! Blech! Sorry, but that's not living to me.

With this lifestyle plan, if I watch my POINTS and allocate them the right way, I CAN have pizza on a night out. I CAN have that slice of bday cake that comes along a few times a year. I CAN have that occasional piece of chocolate (if I really, really want it) -- but if I have those things, I know that 90 percent of the rest of the way I'm eating has to make up for it. Can you tell I'm excited? Of COURSE I am! Because NOTHING is off limits. I decide what to have and when, but the strange thing is once you work these healthier foods into your life, you find yourself reaching for a piece of fruit or making a low-fat smoothie instead of noshing on Doritos! Your tastes change, and you realize, "Hey, I feel better now that I eat this way!" The end result is you WANT to keep going and you know the way you approach things has changed! :)

The first part of the lifestyle change is changing how you eat. The second part is moving in more and better ways. Paul and I have spent the beginning of this lifestyle taking our time to learn about the choices we need to make to eat healthier and fold nutritious foods into our routine. Now that we have more of a handle on things, we are incorporating the second part of this lifestyle. That includes walking, doing Tai Chi and yoga. All very measured and all in a way that gradually ups our activity level in ways that appeal to us. I like the idea of balancing mind/body, and I'm a fan of Eastern belief systems, such as Taoism, so Tai Chi and yoga were obvious choices for me. The great thing is that Netflix allows me to access a bevy of DVDs on Tai Chi and yoga! It's also fortunate we have a dog, because we can take her to the dog park for an hour or so and get activity time in ourselves :)

This is getting long, so I'm going to wrap it up. My intent on posting this was two-fold: one, I wanted to put a shout out there to anyone else who is doing the WW lifestyle/POINTS system, and two, I wanted to come out with this to explain what we're doing, why we're doing it and why I might be sharing some kick-butt recipes and tips in the future on my FB wall, links or notes. :) This is a journey Paul and I are BOTH excited about, and we've already noticed some amazing changes in how we feel and our energy levels.

For anyone who is interested, I have a blog over on the Weight Watchers site. You don't have to be a member to view it. I have nine blog posts thus far. Here's the link:

http://community.weightwatchers.com/Blogs/UserBlog.aspx?blogid=1037310

If you're already a member of the WW community, feel free to FRIEND me over there! Here's the link to my profile: http://community.weightwatchers.com/Profile/userprofile.aspx?sid=2683685

In praise of bitches (a.k.a. in defense of the Anna Wintours of the world)

2010-09-17T06:22:00.003-06:00

by Bev Sninchak on Friday, September 17, 2010 at 6:18am

"I don't find her to be accessible to people she doesn't need to be accessible to."
--Vogue publisher Tom Florio, discussing editor-in-chief Anna Wintour

"She's honest. She tells you what she thinks. Yes is yes and no is no"
--Karl Lagerfeld.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anna_Wintour

She's been called Nuclear Wintour, and there's good reason for that. She's been called detached, unapproachable, terse and any number of other things. She doesn't care for small talk, and she isn't a hand-holder. A former assistant says, "She throws you in the water and you'll either sink or swim." Sounds rough, huh? She sounds like a bitch, huh? Well, maybe she is -- probably is -- but guess what else she is? GREAT at what she does, and focused beyond belief. She also manages her atmosphere in such a way that she doesn't allow people to DRAIN her of energy, drag her into drama or distract her from her primary directives. She means what she says and she says what she means, regardless of who approves.

I've noticed that women who are termed "bitches" usually take less crap from other people in general, AND they get more done in their lives. They don't allow themselves to be bullied or intimidated. Let's also not forget that while one person may see another person as a bitch, someone else may not deem that person a bitch at all. It's relative! I'm also not sure being called a bitch is necessarily a bad thing. Usually what it translates to is, "I couldn't manipulate her, so she's a bitch!" or, "I didn't get to bully her and force her to think of me as the main satellite in her universe, so she's obviously a bitch!" In other words, SOMEONE didn't get their way and SOMEONE didn't get his/her ass kissed as they expected. Therefore, the person who refused to be manipulated or refused to kiss ass is that horrible word, "bitch."

Anna once told Morley Safer, "I have so many people here, Morley, that have worked with me for 15, 20 years, and, you know, if I'm such a bitch, they must really be a glutton for punishment because they're still here ... If one comes across sometimes as being cold or brusque, it's simply because I'm striving for the best."

Here's my first thought: if Anna was male, NONE of this would be an issue. Because she's female, there are expectations of her and her personality. For one, she's not a nurturer or a caretaker, and if you're female, it's like an unwritten rule that you MUST be those things or you're -- shall we say -- inhuman or defective. If Anna was male, these things wouldn't be given a second thought, because as a man who is focused on his job, he is expected to display these qualities of assertiveness and high expectations. Now, are there women who can strive for quality and who are still approachable and nice? Yes, I'm sure there are. I know there are. But stick with me. My point is that I believe many women -- including myself -- have been derailed through life by others' expectations of how we should be according to a set of unspoken societal rules for how women should be vs. how most men are.

Lately I've been thinking about how I've wasted many years -- decades -- of my life by giving away most of my energy to other people and things, while putting myself on the back burner. As a woman, I believe I've been groomed and brought up in a society that requires women to always put themselves last and be nurturers/caretakers (even to the detriment of their own mental/physical/emotional health) in lieu of loving themselves, taking care of their own needs and seeing themselves as just as necessary and important as everyone else. Even more so, I would add. If you can't love or take care of yourself first, then how can you do the same for others?

Ah...but we are often told that if we take care of ourselves first, we are SELFISH! *gasp* And NO woman wants to be called selfish, does she? What a cruel cut that is! Well, I'm here to tell you that if you aren't firm and selfish of your time and attention, you end up kowtowing to everyone and everything. What's more, some people (usually toxic ones) will continue to drain your time and attention if you let them. THEY are actually the selfish ones. They believe YOUR universe must always revolve around them, but if you EVER stake a claim for YOUR own time or attention, then you are obviously a bitch. See how that works? Wow!

The older I get, the more I learn that if you don't TAKE the time and energy you need to accomplish your goals, others will take it from you without so much as a thanks or ounce of appreciation. You are expected to be always ready to assist them with their goals and directives, but don't you DARE be assertive and defend your OWN right to those same things! I'm here to tell you that I'm claiming what's mine, and I don't want or need anyone else's approval.

I asked my husband last night what he would do if someone told him his wife was detached or too dismissive when others tried to horn in on her creative and/or work time. His answer was that he would correct them and say that his wife was FOCUSED instead of dismissive. He would tell them that his wife, like most people, had goals and ambition, and she worked hard to strive for them. And what if they didn't like what he said? Pretty much, it came down to, "Who cares what they think? What they think doesn't matter." My husband is a lot better at not allowing people to guilt him in such ways. I'm better than I used to be, but still struggle with it. I do know one thing: the more someone pushes me to do something I don't want to do, the more I'm apt not to EVER do the thing someone's trying to coerce me into doing.

Men, on the other hand, are expected to be focused, driven and productive. Even if they aren't the warmest people while they're doing it. And let's face it: caretaking and nurturing are not integral expectations of most men. For women, they are. I, for one, think that's a load of crap.

If a man says, "I'm busy right now; talk to you later," or, "Can't meet with you for coffee now; we'll have to do it later!" it's acceptable. If a woman like Anna Wintour says the same thing, some people will call her dismissive, insulting, cold, brusque, terse or any other number of unkind adjectives. Because, you know, if you're a woman you certainly aren't doing anything remotely important enough that you can't DROP what you're doing and make yourself available for everyone else. It's their universe, after all. Didn't you know that? (sarcasm) As a woman, many believe you've got to cave in when it comes to ALWAYS pleasing others and ALWAYS taking care of their wants/needs. And if you don't, what a nasty little creature you are!

Many women still buy into the notion that they, somehow, are the only ones responsible for what goes on in their households. God forbid if they don't have a hot meal on the table before the man they love crosses the door's threshhold! But I'd like to ask this: if you are a career woman and YOU are on a tight deadline, why the hell can't HE get dinner together as a favor to YOU? Why the hell can't YOU expect help with household chores? Why is it if he's had a stressful day at the office, he gets to come home, prop his feet up and grab the remote, but YOU are still expected to nurture and caretake everyone else's needs after YOU TOO have had a stressful day at YOUR office as well? Having a uterus doesn't mean you're automatically tagged as "it" when it comes to being everyone's caretaker on every level.

Some women MAY have the situation I have in that my husband and I are equals in that regard. I have lovingly prepared meals for him, but he has also lovingly prepared meals for ME as well. It's a give and take out of respect and care for one another. It's NOT, "You woman, me man, so you COOK!" If it was that, then I wouldn't be married to him. Because, quite frankly, SCREW all that! I have goals and dreams of my own, and he supports those goals and dreams just as much as I support his goals and dreams. We cooperate with one another and it's like a dance where sometimes he takes the lead, and other times I take the lead. When he's sick, I take care of him. When I'm sick, he takes care of me.

Paul knows I'm not the Martha Stewart type, and he knows I'd rather be writing a book than making sure everything in our house is 'just so.' Nobody's tombstone reads, "She was never late with dinner!" Who gives a crap? If it's a busy day -- EAT OUT or CALL FOR DELIVERY! Personally, I'm always suspicious of women who want their houses to look like they've been staged and out of the pages of House & Garden magazine. To me, they're major control freaks who can't control the rest of their lives, so they control their environment to such a degree that it's obsessive. But that's another topic for another time. You only get a limited amount of time in this life, so you'd better spend most of your time LIVING it.

Sure, Anna has many facets of her personality that would grate on my nerves. Sure, she can be off-putting to many people. But guess what? Anna GETS SHIT DONE and Anna manages her world so she remains focused and on point with her life and her work -- period. She's a Scorpio too, I might add. I'm not surprised one bit. Scorpios and Capricorns are usually two of the most reliable workers you can count on (a caveat here that you need to see the whole chart, but usually you can trust them to get the job done, rain or shine).The downside is that SOME of them (READ: not ALL of them!) are insufferable people to be around. My advice: never cross or piss off a Scorpio. As for Capricorns, try to smile (with teeth gritted beneath your grin) and simply BEAR it when you run across the occasional battle-ax of a Capricorn. If you don't stand your ground, they will delight in bulldozing over you -- sometimes for sport! That's where being a fire sign (like me) is beneficial. I can make you think you're getting your way as I smile and nod at you. But rest assured that once I walk away, I'm going to go off and do what I'd planned to do in the first place -- without your permission (as if I ever needed it anyway). ;-) I was married to a Scorpio for 16 years and I have the scars (and the asbestos suit) to prove it. If you can live with a Scorpio and survive it, then you can damn sure tolerate a Capricorn (the kind who have the more negative traits, that is. The ones with mostly positive traits are awesome and so reliable! All without the battle-ax tendencies!)

In the end, Anna is decisive, she gets the work done (and done well) and she's true to who she is, regardless of who approves. Some of the very traits people can't stand in her are the ones that allow her to reach the success she has over the years. Yes, we can discuss how horrible it is that she wears fur or that she allegedly can't stand people who are overweight, but what I want to focus on here is how I find her work ethic and laser-like focus so fascinating.

I also admire her decisiveness. Throughout my life, I've been indecisive on countless occasions. Mainly because I was SO wrapped up in what people would think of me that I was fearful of just making the decision I needed to make -- despite who approved or not. In recent years, I've gotten better about that, but I still need to sharpen and hone that ability. Decisiveness is beneficial and necessary in life. You can't please everyone all the time, period. It just isn't going to happen. More and more, I realize I'd rather be hated for being who I truly am than loved for being someone I'm not. Pretending to be someone you're not means you're insincere, not authentic and not genuine. You are lying to everyone else, but most importantly, you are lying to yourself as well.

Honestly, I'd rather be as decisive and focused as Anna Wintour than be a spaghetti-spined, people-pleasing, mealy-mouthed woman who allowed others to usurp her personal and creative power.

I once had a friend who said there were two Bevs. There's an all-business Bev, and there's a playful Bev, and you're never sure which one you might get. There's truth to that. When I'm focused on something and working toward a goal, I can be terse, abrupt, cold, etc. I'm not touchy-feely or up for small talk. I don't have time for nonsense or shenanigans. Other times, you get the playful Bev. Usually on weekends when I take time off (I used to work seven days a week, I might add). Playful Bev is warmer, less terse, open to laughter/jokes and keen to have conversations. As has often been said, there is a time for everything, and to everything there is an appropriate time. You can't allow others to always bully you into deciding when YOU are ready to address something. You DO get a choice in how you handle things.

Can I be bitchy at times? Yes. Can I be warm and friendly at times? Yes. I am BOTH of those people, and I embrace both of them. And, quite frankly, after studying Anna Wintour, perhaps if I was bitchier and managed my associations tighter, then perhaps I'd increase my productivity and focus, which is what I really NEED to do. I'm trying to do that without having people get butt-hurt, but most of the time they still do. My husband said I should reply by saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but this is the way it is right now." I admire my husband's Taurus/Taurus/Leo combination of dealing with things assertively, but in a steady, resolute way.

There's a reason why there are two Bevs, and it's who I am. I won't change for anyone, nor could I change for anyone if I wanted to. I like who I am and I won't make apologies for it. Am I perfect? Hell no! There's a litany of things I could go on about for AGES! If you think I'm critical about other people and things, you should see how brutal I am over my own faults/failings! In the end, I'm what I am and I'm imperfect. However, so are you...and you...and YOU. Wisdom comes from knowing that you do have faults, because then you can work on them. However, faults and quirks give personality and a person TEXTURE. What a boring world it would be if we had NO texture to our personalities! We would be antiseptic, bland human beings. Who wants that? Not me, that's for sure!

Will some people read this and get offended? Oh, I'm sure. But that's okay. I didn't write this for them. I wrote it to get something off my chest AND to speak to those others out there who get what I'm saying and understand it. I'm not censoring my thoughts just because somebody's panties might get in a twist. As my mom often told me when I was growing up, "You can get glad in the same pants you got mad in!" Anna Wintour isn't swayed from calling things as she sees them, and tonight I won't be, either. This is how I see things, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. However, on the off chance that I am, then so be it!

Remember: to thine own self be true. Always!

Elemental Musings podcast for writers, readers & creatives

2009-12-08T23:24:00.001-07:00

MWSA promo by Better Book Videos

2009-07-18T01:24:00.001-06:00

Link to a video spot by hubby. If you're an author & you need a book video or promo spot, e-mail me.

MWSA Promo -- http://bit.ly/126UwI

Writing and Emotion

2009-07-16T16:26:00.000-06:00

Cats. Fire. Nature. Michael Jackson. Cinema. Music. Ghosts. Metaphysics.

What do all of these have in common? These all have evoked an emotional response in me over the past several weeks. In my mind, I've written quite a few blogs, essays or articles about these subjects -- and more. The way my thought process goes, I see, hear, smell, taste something and, invariably, that sensory experience connects to emotions/thoughts and then I'm led on a near-constant journey where the original stimuli branches out and connects to hundreds -- or even thousands -- of other stimuli. It's a never-ending process. And if you aren't a writer, artist, musician or other creative individual, I'm quite sure it could drive you stark raving mad.

Deep down, I'm undeniably an emotional person. Even overly sensitive. People who don't know me well may never guess that since I sometimes come off as stand-offish, distant, detached or blunt, but the truth is that I often display those behaviors because that's my shell of protection. It's a way to avoid getting hurt or used. The layers of shell have built up over decades of being fooled, manipulated and used by people I thought had my best interests in mind, but who didn't. Nonetheless, if you crack and pick off the shell, you'd find a soft inner core that, unless kept in check, reacts to anything and everything through the conduit of emotion. Television news is horrible for me to watch because it doesn't take much to tug on those wispy emotional threads that dangle so precariously inside my heart and soul.

When someone dies, whether I knew them as a person or not, I feel it like a deep, stabbing pain of sadness and regret for a life lost. Rationally, I believe the essence of life, personality and intelligence doesn't end when your physical body dies; after all, I'm a paranormal investigator and founder of a well-known paranormal investigation group in my hometown. Given our personal brushes with paranormal encounters, electronic voice phenomena and videotaped anomalies, I can say with conviction that I do believe that we survive after our corporeal, bodily form has passed. However, even though I believe that, I still mourn when someone passes -- especially when it was a tragic and unexpected surprise. This covers losses of people who were known or unknown to me, as well as celebrities and average people.

The loss of children hit me especially hard, most pointedly in the case of missing and/or exploited children who've been snatched from their homes or off the streets from strangers who turn out to be monstrous murderers. I can't understand people could commit such a heinous, cruel and horrible crimes against such innocent beings. Such cold, heartless and evil acts are beyond my comprehension. As a mother of two wonderful children, I cannot possibly imagine the agonizing sense of loss and unequivocal pain and suffering families of these missing/murdered children have to go through. If you have a heart and a soul of ANY kind, how could you conceive of such an outrageous black act? Then again, criminals such as those must have empty, black souls. Such, to me, is evil incarnate and resident here on earth.

Horror films featuring paranormal phenomena aren't really horror to me; it's the shocking acts of human beings -- living human beings -- that qualify most as horror to me. As I've said quite often, I'm less afraid of the dead or undead than I am of the living. The true embodiment of evil is the sick, twisted, living human who's lurking out there on the streets (or in your own home), not those souls who've passed on to another plane of existence and who are simply trying to get your attention or making their presences known to the living (if they're able to). More on this at another time.

Celebrity deaths elicit the usual sadness in me as does the death of an average person. However, the deaths of Heath Ledger and Michael Jackson affected me in ways I hadn't expected. The curious thing is that, even though I respected the artistic talents of both men, I can't say I was a fanatic or hard-core fan of either of them. When Heath died, I called my husband on the phone and was sobbing so hard I could barely speak. Likewise, when I read Michael Jackson had died, I began bawling like a child. I never owned any Heath Ledger movies and I never owned any Michael Jackson albums in my life. I enjoyed Heath's movies and Michael's movies, but my response to their deaths would lead you to believe I'd been a hardcore fan of both. The sting of Heath's death lessened with time, but Michael Jackson's has hit me harder than I imagined -- ever. What was it, I wondered? I sat for hours watching MJ videos, listening to MJ songs, viewing MJ interviews. What was going on?

There were two emotional points going on for me, I figured. The first had to do with accidental and/or unexpected death. The type of death that knocks the wind out of you and leaves you gasping in utter shock. I felt the same way with David Carradine's death, but only after I discovered the cause of his death. These deaths reminded me of how I felt after the accidental death of my first husband in 2001. It was sudden, shocking, unexpected, mind-jarring, incomprehensible. My world -- and my life -- changed forever. I was given a second, different life in the process. Unfortunately, coping with the remnants and ghosts of that first life still lurk like torturous wraiths in the corridors of my soul.

I think it's the combination of sudden and accidental that gets to me the most, probably because it dredges up a huge maelstrom of painful emotion and memories that I have tried, over and over, to leave behind. Each time I read or hear about a tragic, sudden death, the ghosts of my past come back to haunt me. I keep trying to escape the specters of my past, but in doing so I've ignored the fact that you can't really ever do that. You have to make peace with your painful past -- and death itself -- before you can truly move on. I'm still at war and still fighting a battle of epic proportions. I long for complete and total resolution, but so far it's eluded me. I'm at 75 percent, but that last 25 percent is a real tough bitch.

Yes, it doesn't take much to bring tears to my eyes or elicit a lump in my throat. I won't fish because I can't stand to put worms on hooks because of the pain the worms will go through. Yes, I'm a sensitive bleeding heart in a huge way. Animal shelters break my heart because I don't want to leave ANY of the animals there. I can't take them all home, but if I had the power to find all of them homes, I would. Two of my cats I adopted from the shelter. Both of them are black cats, and black cats tend to be abused and abandoned in larger proportions, usually because people think they are evil or they believe that owning them portends of bad things happening to the owner. Pure bunk!

There are countless experiences and subjects that send me over the end into the abyss of deep emotion. This can be both good and bad. It's good in that, as a writer, you must be able to feel and to connect with the feelings of the world and its other inhabitants. It's fortunate because those emotions fuel your muse to write about those subjects, and writing about those subjects can serve as a catalyst for change, or at the least, meaningful dialogue.

The other side of the coin is that emotion, at least for me, can be crippling. If I give into it too much, then I find myself paralyzed and depressed. Once I've reached that stage, I am unable to write until I regain my center and composure. There are things I know I can and should write about, but I am unable to because of the overwhelming emotional connection I have to those subjects. And yet, I know I need to write about them -- not merely for myself, but for others who are dealing with the same issues and/or past events. There is catharsis in writing about such things, but the danger lies in of teetering back into a chasm of despondency.

Where does one find the balance? It does no good to eradicate emotion -- and really, can one do that at all? Emotion, for me, is an integral part of the writing process. I never write about anything unless I can generate emotion about it, whether it's joy, anger, surprise, disgust or [fill in the blank]. If a subject doesn't engender a sense of emotion in me of some sort, then I don't want to bother. But how does one taste of emotion, dip one's proverbial toe in it and swim in its waters without drowning? How does one write with emotion without risking going off the edge and into the painful abyss? I don't have the answer. Yet. Perhaps you do.

Because I am a scribe and a communicator, I have no choice but to keep writing. Because I am a human being, and one with a heart and a soul, I have no choice but to keep feeling and emoting about life, people, things, subjects. I suppose in the end I should consider myself lucky in that many people do not have an outlet for their overwhelming emotions, but I do. It's a gamble as to whether or not I'll be overcome when I'm writing about those emotions connected with an idea or subject, but for now that's a chance I have to take. Let's hope I can keep from drowning in them.

Official pollster and also attending Military Writers Society Of America (MWSA) conference in Orlando, FL

2009-07-16T00:40:00.000-06:00

Hello there, scribes!

Great news! I've been asked to be a pollster for the MWSA People's Choice Award Contest for the Military Writers Society Of America (MWSA). Winners will perform their work at the MWSA Conference in Orlando, FL this October.

Go here to read about the contest and learn how to submit your entry:

http://www.militarywriters.com/2009ConferencePeoplesChoice.html

In addition, Paul and I will be traveling to Orlando, FL to attend the conference from October 9-11. We'll be staying at the Westin Imagine Orlando. ;-) Paul will be the official videographer for the event.

For more information on the Military Writers Society Of America (MWSA) and the conference, visit: http://www.militarywriters.com